It's been two weeks since I stepped into the light. Things have gotten a little better - my wife and I talk often and very openly about this problem. Although her scars are big and will take a long time to heal. She has periods where she just breaks down emotionally - and can't stop crying over the pain.
By using porn, I destroyed her sense of identity - and made her question her desirability as a woman. She said to me "at least if you had an affair with a real women, I might have a chance. But I can't compete with just images. You'll always find them more alluring than me."
But our problems with our marriage go further back than what occured two weeks ago. As I said before, this problem has been around a long time, going back to my days a a young boy. And as I got older and began dating, I always found it hard to develop a close relationship with someone else. And even as I desparately yearned to find a girlfriend - and build a strong bond - it never worked out. I could never quite get over the hump and let my guard down about my hidden dark side. At the time I had no idea why this was so. I simply rationlized that I just hadn't met my soul mate yet -someone who would unconditionaly love me for who I was. Little did I realize how my sexual appitite for porn controlled me and pushed away anyone I might have been happy in a relationship. It hurt a great deal and caused me to question why I was so different from my friends. Now I understand.
Friday, May 04, 2007
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