The Lowest Point In My Life

I hit rock bottom this weekend and almost lost my wife and the family (well, my wife still may have nothing to do with me again). What did I do? Something awful. But in order to understand it I need to first make a confession. Something I have been carrying around with me for a long time and that I'm ashamed to admit. I'm a porno addict. Athough I didn't really believe it till this weekend, in reality I've been one for a long time. My wife always had strong suspicions about my problem; especially after finding my hidden porno tape as well as my browser history of visiting porn sites for hours on end. But like every addict does, I played the denial card and lied to myself and to her. I just couldn't accept the fact that I had actually become addicted to it. So I made elaborate excuses and convinced her that it was a one-time deal and it would never happen again.

I realized that I had hurt my wife really bad, so I made a resolution to quit. And I didn't use porn for a long time - 5+ years. I was feeling pretty good about my discipline, and had even won back some of the trust I had destoyed before.

But like any addiction not fully admitted to, it's tentacles slowly wraped their way around my head again and I let my guard down in a big way. And when your defenses are weak, you set yourself up for a fall. I started doing work on encoding videos at work and read about a new adult site using an amazing video compression codec. Then I convinced myself I could would just see how this adult movie site worked - which is just stupid seeing how I could have gone to any number of legit sites to check it out. But given dark past and the fact that I had yet to confront this problem of mine, I just couldn't stop myself from having a quick look. And one look turn into two, which turn into a daily obsession. Well, the bottom line is that three months later my wife finds the history again and nearly has a heart attack. I go on the offensive again and try to explain how it must be a virus or a popup or anything besides me. But there was no hope. I had already been here before, and I knew denial would only add to the pain.

My wife was so crushed that she had to just leave; she left so fast that she did a doughnut in the front yard and speed down the street full tilt. I was in shock myself because I knew this was the final straw. Divorse was imminent. How could I have done this to her? Didn't I love her? Of course I love her - but why would I do this to her?? Why?. My head was just filled with confusion and guilt and anger (at myself). My fist attempt at applogizing made her want puke -- "I'm sorry, when are you coming home? I'll make you dinner". Talk about denial. It got worse the next day when she confronted me face to face. I maintained that what I did was completely normal - "we hardly ever have sex anymore" - and that she had the problem, not me. Boy, talk about adding salt to the wound. She just wanted to kill me right then and there.

But something started to happen over the course of that afternoon. Something rather miraculous. It was like the wall of denial in my mind began to crumble. I began to feel more and more sullen and guilty. I even started sobbing - which for me is very rare. I was coming to the realization that I had chosen a sick perverted form of sexual entertainment over my wife. That's not normal? How could I not see that there indeed was a problem, a big problem. All my rationalizations about porno use began to melt away - and I was left with this one undeniable fact - I had completely destroyed Holleigh (again). The devestation and hurt she felt was beyound description. It was as if I had ripped her soul out and smashed it to pieces. Ten years of marriage (of life) just washed away in the blink of an eye. And the one thing she feared most in the world - that of finding out her husband was a farse - was made a reality.

So as I'm crying and spiraling down into depression, I begin to look for answers on the internet. A quick search on 'porn addiction' instantly brought me answers that I needed. It took reading a case study on porn addiction to make me finally realize that I exhibited the exact same behavior patters; lying, guilt, shame. So my wall of denial is completely removed, and I'm crying uncontrollably. And it was at this moment that I started to believe that God had led me to this place. He had forced me to confront my sinful ways and to face my evil right out in the open. No more hidding; it was time now to seek forgivness and ask for help in my addiction.

Back from the Dead

Yea I know. It's been a loonngg time since my last post. What can I say, "I've been busy". Ok, no excuse for such a lapse. I promise not to let it happen again. Anyways, I had to post a couple thoughts before I forget.

First, my wife and I had a pretty good talk last night. She is annoyed with me that I like to 'embellish' the truth. She calls it lying. I call it 'innocent tall tales'. Anyways, she sees it as a sign of my past behavior where I would lie to her about many things. And by focusing a bit on how I communicate, I think I can curtail this small problem and real it in. My father is the most honest person I ever met (in a good way, unlike my wife's grandmother who wouldn't think twice of saying how fat you are or how ugly you look). I should try to be more like him.

Second, I saw a good article today in ETR. It was about the dangers of aerobic exercise - and how it causes heart problems. The author suggests a different approach using a more 'high-energy output system'. Basically, it has you exert a short burst of extreme exercise. He has a program based on this system, called PACE. I think I'll order it for my wife for her birthday, as she is not happy at all with the results she is getting from her current program.