The Lowest Point In My Life Part II

It's been two weeks since I stepped into the light. Things have gotten a little better - my wife and I talk often and very openly about this problem. Although her scars are big and will take a long time to heal. She has periods where she just breaks down emotionally - and can't stop crying over the pain.

By using porn, I destroyed her sense of identity - and made her question her desirability as a woman. She said to me "at least if you had an affair with a real women, I might have a chance. But I can't compete with just images. You'll always find them more alluring than me."

But our problems with our marriage go further back than what occured two weeks ago. As I said before, this problem has been around a long time, going back to my days a a young boy. And as I got older and began dating, I always found it hard to develop a close relationship with someone else. And even as I desparately yearned to find a girlfriend - and build a strong bond - it never worked out. I could never quite get over the hump and let my guard down about my hidden dark side. At the time I had no idea why this was so. I simply rationlized that I just hadn't met my soul mate yet -someone who would unconditionaly love me for who I was. Little did I realize how my sexual appitite for porn controlled me and pushed away anyone I might have been happy in a relationship. It hurt a great deal and caused me to question why I was so different from my friends. Now I understand.

The Lowest Point In My Life

I hit rock bottom this weekend and almost lost my wife and the family (well, my wife still may have nothing to do with me again). What did I do? Something awful. But in order to understand it I need to first make a confession. Something I have been carrying around with me for a long time and that I'm ashamed to admit. I'm a porno addict. Athough I didn't really believe it till this weekend, in reality I've been one for a long time. My wife always had strong suspicions about my problem; especially after finding my hidden porno tape as well as my browser history of visiting porn sites for hours on end. But like every addict does, I played the denial card and lied to myself and to her. I just couldn't accept the fact that I had actually become addicted to it. So I made elaborate excuses and convinced her that it was a one-time deal and it would never happen again.

I realized that I had hurt my wife really bad, so I made a resolution to quit. And I didn't use porn for a long time - 5+ years. I was feeling pretty good about my discipline, and had even won back some of the trust I had destoyed before.

But like any addiction not fully admitted to, it's tentacles slowly wraped their way around my head again and I let my guard down in a big way. And when your defenses are weak, you set yourself up for a fall. I started doing work on encoding videos at work and read about a new adult site using an amazing video compression codec. Then I convinced myself I could would just see how this adult movie site worked - which is just stupid seeing how I could have gone to any number of legit sites to check it out. But given dark past and the fact that I had yet to confront this problem of mine, I just couldn't stop myself from having a quick look. And one look turn into two, which turn into a daily obsession. Well, the bottom line is that three months later my wife finds the history again and nearly has a heart attack. I go on the offensive again and try to explain how it must be a virus or a popup or anything besides me. But there was no hope. I had already been here before, and I knew denial would only add to the pain.

My wife was so crushed that she had to just leave; she left so fast that she did a doughnut in the front yard and speed down the street full tilt. I was in shock myself because I knew this was the final straw. Divorse was imminent. How could I have done this to her? Didn't I love her? Of course I love her - but why would I do this to her?? Why?. My head was just filled with confusion and guilt and anger (at myself). My fist attempt at applogizing made her want puke -- "I'm sorry, when are you coming home? I'll make you dinner". Talk about denial. It got worse the next day when she confronted me face to face. I maintained that what I did was completely normal - "we hardly ever have sex anymore" - and that she had the problem, not me. Boy, talk about adding salt to the wound. She just wanted to kill me right then and there.

But something started to happen over the course of that afternoon. Something rather miraculous. It was like the wall of denial in my mind began to crumble. I began to feel more and more sullen and guilty. I even started sobbing - which for me is very rare. I was coming to the realization that I had chosen a sick perverted form of sexual entertainment over my wife. That's not normal? How could I not see that there indeed was a problem, a big problem. All my rationalizations about porno use began to melt away - and I was left with this one undeniable fact - I had completely destroyed Holleigh (again). The devestation and hurt she felt was beyound description. It was as if I had ripped her soul out and smashed it to pieces. Ten years of marriage (of life) just washed away in the blink of an eye. And the one thing she feared most in the world - that of finding out her husband was a farse - was made a reality.

So as I'm crying and spiraling down into depression, I begin to look for answers on the internet. A quick search on 'porn addiction' instantly brought me answers that I needed. It took reading a case study on porn addiction to make me finally realize that I exhibited the exact same behavior patters; lying, guilt, shame. So my wall of denial is completely removed, and I'm crying uncontrollably. And it was at this moment that I started to believe that God had led me to this place. He had forced me to confront my sinful ways and to face my evil right out in the open. No more hidding; it was time now to seek forgivness and ask for help in my addiction.

Back from the Dead

Yea I know. It's been a loonngg time since my last post. What can I say, "I've been busy". Ok, no excuse for such a lapse. I promise not to let it happen again. Anyways, I had to post a couple thoughts before I forget.

First, my wife and I had a pretty good talk last night. She is annoyed with me that I like to 'embellish' the truth. She calls it lying. I call it 'innocent tall tales'. Anyways, she sees it as a sign of my past behavior where I would lie to her about many things. And by focusing a bit on how I communicate, I think I can curtail this small problem and real it in. My father is the most honest person I ever met (in a good way, unlike my wife's grandmother who wouldn't think twice of saying how fat you are or how ugly you look). I should try to be more like him.

Second, I saw a good article today in ETR. It was about the dangers of aerobic exercise - and how it causes heart problems. The author suggests a different approach using a more 'high-energy output system'. Basically, it has you exert a short burst of extreme exercise. He has a program based on this system, called PACE. I think I'll order it for my wife for her birthday, as she is not happy at all with the results she is getting from her current program.

Computer problems

Ok, yesterday I made a stupid mistake. Being in IT I should have known better. In the middle of my day, I get an email from our email server saying that it has detected a virus on my computer and in order to remove it I needed to update my virus protection. We'll almost immediately after clicking the attached zip file, I knew I had unleashed a virus on my box. My virus protection software starting going bezerk; throwing up messages about infected email messages. Ahhhgg, how could I have fallen for the oldest trick in the book?

The basement project...

Sunday turned out to be a great day. Not because of the weather, it rained non-stop all day. Not because the Patriotes won big on the road against the up and coming Bengles. But because I finished the last big task left on a much bigger six month project. The big project was finishing the basement. And as my son's birthday approached, my wife decides that we should have it finished in time for the September birthday party. So for the last couple months, I've been working non-stop on it -- paiting, sanding, poly'ing. Then their was the pool table disaster that I'll share some other time. Finally, we get the basement finished, bring out all the old funiture, do some quick decorating, and have it looking mint in time for the party.

So just what was this last task? It was cleaning up and organizing the 'other' side of the basement. The unfinished side had turned into a complete and utter disaster after six months of treating it like a storage shed. And now Holleigh wants to use it for a work area for her jewlery. Even after taking out all the old funiture, we had so much crap stored in that area that everywhere you looked there where piles of stuff. It was almost completely overwealming just trying to start.

So I put my blinders on (as in tunnel-vision) and began with organizing the paint shelf. It was at this point when I had a emiphenany of sorts. It occured to me that when I was young, I remember helping my dad organize his paint shelf. And although I'm sure there are plenty of basements in America with used paint buckets -- mine was unique. My paint shelf was an exact copy of the one my father had in his basement. Paint on one side, stain on the other. The small cans piled on the top of the larger cans of paint. And the rule was to save every gallon of used paint - no matter how little was left -- in case of an emergency that might require some touchup paint. I took this rule to the ridiculous, having saved gallons of paint from our old house. I thinks it's safe to throw those out now :)

Then I looked at my work bench - covered in tools, things in need of repair that I hadn't had time to work on - just a huge and utter mess. And it was then that I realized that in a small way I had become my father. The similarity was far too great to be coincidence. Same piles of unused lumber. Same boxes of electrical crap. Even the way in which I stored all my tools and odds-and-ends was the same. Did I inherit the 'basement' gene or was it the many nights spent with my father in the basement helping him with his many projects?

Basements can reveal a great deal about a man. A basement absent of tools and left-over project materials belongs to a hands-off type. Someone who would rather call a professional than try to fix or do something themselves. A basement chaulk full of crap - to the point where you can't even walk around -- belongs to the guy who's life is equally a mess.

But like my father, I like to keep a robust set of tools, a closet full of nuts and bolts, and boxes of odds and ends. You never know when you might need all this crap - you may never. But at least you are prepared in case you need to make an emergency repair. Having all this junk provides a weird sense of security. I can't explain why; especially in this day and age of Home Depots and Lowes on every corner.

Pulp Fiction, what a fantastic movie!

Happend to catch Pulp Fiction on cable last night. Was the dubbed version so the lines where pretty cut up; but still -- what a awsome movie. The dialog in that flic is unlike anything.

Anyways, got something to work out; one of those situations in life that always seem to manifest themselves every so often. I'm talking about money....money owed to you...money you can't seem to get the person to pay you. In my case it was my first paying gig at web development. The client was referred to me by a friend. Spoke with him several times about the project and he didn't even flinch at my horly rate. Everything seemed to be on the straight-and-narrom. He didn't come across as someone I couldn't trust; so we made our business arangement on a verbal promise -- no written contract? Yes, I should have been smarter than that.

Anyways, he agrees to my proposal and sends me an email saying he'll fund a po for 5K to cover the cost of the project. And then the client immediately introduces scope creep by proposing some new functionality. I gave the client an estimate, and he still didn't bulk. It was still a go. So I started by creating some web templates of the new site's home page. I did it in html so that it would appear to work -- yet all the links where dead.

Then I submitted the design to the client and he doesn't give me much feedback. Out of the two designs, they like one better than the other. At the point I submit my first invoice for about a grand. The client had originally promised to pay me within a week. So when a week went by, then another, and still no check, I sent the client an email asking about the payment. He said it would go out Friday, Monday the latest -- and I should have had it by Wednesday. Well then Wednesday came and went, and on still nothing. On Friday, now four weeks into the project - about half way done, I submit my second invoice -- with a note that asks where my first check is. I get one line answer; payed 9/18 send 9/19. So once again, I wait a couple days and still nothing. Now I'm pissed. My head is telling me that I got taken; that this guy is just stalling. I had some doubts before, but now I'm sure I've been had. But why? Why would he scam me - and the project still is only half one.

Three days later, on Webnesday, he sends me an email saying he forgot to mail the check and that it went out first thing in the morning. Now I'm ballistic - out of my mind angry. I draft a response but end up sending it to my wife, who rewrites it for me. So I send the thing and it says how I've stoppped working on the site until I get payment on the second invoice and that I don't trust him anymore. I did write that I would finish the project if he promised to pay my last invoice before taking delivery for the final site (and the files). Nothing too bad. We'll I haven't heard from him since; and my check came yesterday. Now I'm starting to feel like I made a mistake, like I was a little harsh. My wife thinks so. I'm reserving judgement until the check clears. If it does, I'll send him a note next week asking where I stand. I'll let you know what happens.

First day of the rest of my life...

Ok, I realize how cliche my title is - but at least I didn't use the proverbial 'my first post'. That's always the kiss of death to any blog. With these blogs, sometimes you see a couple entries after the first, but then it's just dead air. The authors run out of steam pretty fast. The net is just filled with these dead blogs. I hope mine doesn't fall victim to the same cause; lost ambition.

I had been thinking of starting a blog for a long time. I just could never figure out what it was I wanted to write about. There was just too many things that interested me; subjects that I wanted to explore; things that needed to be said. But it was a post in a traders newsletter that made me see the light. The guy writing the newsletter likes to write about issues in life that can impact your decision making when it comes to trading. Some of the big ones he talks about are death of loved ones, sickness, and stress; and how to handle such situations in life. The key (he wrote) to handling all that life can throw at you, and being at your best (in trading and anything else) is 'living in the present'.

This is not a new concept. In fact, authors who have nothing to do with trading such as Wayne Dyer, Deepak Chopra, Robbins, and others all use the same theme. He explained quite eloquently that to be our best self, we need to live in the present moment as it offers us a unique opportunity for success that we've never had before and will never have again. We may have other opportunities, but never quite the same as the one in front of you. He emphasised that not every moment offers us the opportunity to be successful in business or trading. Some opportunities offer a chance to build better relationships with our spouses, our family, or our friends. Other opportunities afford us a chance to rest and rejuvenate. Just as we are mind, body and spirit we also must work at balance so we can be around for the long run.

He also wrote about a creativity coach, Julia Cameron, who works with artists that are stuck and gets them back into their 'zone'. According to Cameron, the problem stems from the fact that "we think too much; we tend to think about all the problems facing us at any given moment". This kind of thinking is all left-brained, and in order to get in the 'zone' you need to engage your right-brain. She suggests we get up every morning and write three pages. The purpose of doing this is to allow our critical thinking to release so we can get on with the process of being in a flow state. The newsletter author learned that by writing the 3 pages, he had stumbled into a tool that helps him release a lot of mental garbage. He writes "what happens is whatever feelings or thoughts that may be brewing just below the surface, float harmlessly to consciousness where they can evaporate into the air."

When you write those 3 pages you'll become very aware of every one of your thoughts. They'll be on a page right in front of you. It will be the truest form of living in the moment. The best part is you'll be able to build from there.

And another benefit to this daily exercise is that you can record your life in a journal to help you remember all the events, all the lessons, all the special moments that happen during the course of your life. For someone like myself who can hardly remember what it was I did yesterday, this is gold. Not only will I have a tool for keeping my mind 'in the moment', but I'll also have a chronological diary of my growth as a human being.

This is why I have decided to take up the art of 'blogging'. I believe this strategy will offer tremendous rewards -- it already has!